Grieving something that won't be
This day sucks.
Two years ago, Matt's dad Lindsay left us far too soon. He was the kindest soul, with a razor sharp wit expressed through terrible puns, a master chef, a champion relaxer, a connoisseur of red wine and wine gums, and a wealth of wisdom on so many subjects. Luckily, Matt embodies so many of his father's strengths. He is patient, ludicrously funny, obnoxiously musical, hardworking almost to a fault and an exceptional provider for our family.
Knowing Finley won't meet her incredible grandfather is something I've been sad about since discovering I was pregnant. I grieved the loss of a relationship that would never be, both for her and him. Having had a very close relationship with my own grandfather, I mourned this loss especially hard.
I'm sad because he will never take her on a fussy night star tour at the cottage. I'm sad because he will never get to tell her about his opinions on US Politics and engage her in a debate. I'm sad because he will never teach her to play backgammon. I'm sad because he will never teach her the importance of brown butter and Frenching your green beans. I'm sad because he won't be able to share his quirky taste in music and puns.
I'm sad that she won't be able to tell him about her interests while he listens with genuine curiosity since girls are strange beings to him. I'm sad that she won't be able to paint him pictures at school and share secrets. I'm sad that she won't get to play dolls, or ride bikes, or have tiny tea parties with him. I'm sad that she will never know the importance of grilling a bonus hot dog on the BBQ and dipping it in mustard. I'm sad that they will never wear matching jean shirts.
*Pause here to wipe tears.*
Thankfully, we have a family that can share in the responsibility of teaching Fin these lessons. In my mind, I've already assigned Lindsay life lessons to the most suitable person. I trust these lessons will come out in due time from the right person, but it does seem like an overwhelming responsibility to share this memory and manage our own sadness.
I hope through our frequent sharing of memories and stories, Fin can create her own relationship with his memory.
