They say Mercury was in retrograde. If I didn’t believe in universal signs before, I sure do now. The last 8 weeks of my life have been a giant universe gut-punch, reality check, life examining and priority-resetting phase. There’s about to be a lot of tough stuff going down, so if you’re still reeling from Mercury, maybe its best to skip and come back when you’re feeling a bit more stable.

For me, the three tenants of my adult life have been home, family and career. Joy, stability, and growth, in each of these areas make me feel grounded and competent. The last 8 weeks have seen each of these pillars rocked in a way I was entirely unprepared for, causing me to really reevaluate what I want, and to appreciate the shit out of what I have.

As many of you know, I am Canadian, and as such, I enjoyed a wonderful, government-aided, job-secured, year of maternity leave with Finley for the better parts of 2016 and 2017. I don’t want to get into the politics of women’s and parent’s right, but I will say that we are incredibly lucky to have this choice. Feeling what I felt leaving my 1 year old, I can’t imagine my sisters to the south returning to work after 6 or 8 weeks.

My return to work was fraught with much anxiety. There had been many changes to our company while I was off, some of which left me worried about what exactly I was returning to. Not exactly the most settling thought while you’re supposed to be ‘secure’ in your leave.

Turns, out. I didn’t get fired. I went to back to work. To a new job (not a bad thing), with new people (also not a bad thing), and everyone was nice to me (definitely not a bad thing). But then why did I feel so sad? Leaving my baby, even though she was in the extremely capable hands of her two grandmothers, was gut-wrenching.

In talking to my mom-friends, it seems this sadness is normal when reintegrating back into ‘ordinary’ life. You've just spent a year doing nothing but the most extraordinary thing- watching your own child grow. I felt adrift without Finley attached to my body or in my arms. I felt like I was missing an appendage, always searching for that thing I just couldn’t quite put my finger on. But I’m making it work.

And then our house flooded.

While we were away, a toilet on the second floor of our home suddenly cracked, causing water (clean water thankfully) to continuously flow. Water has a way of finding the easiest downward slope…and since our home is a 140 year old beauty, there are plenty of slopes.

Water poured from the ceiling of our brand-new kitchen, down the vents and into the furnace. After a panicked call to our insurance broker, we had a restoration company on site within an hour, fans were set up to dry the water, and the power to our home shut off.

Weeks passed, damage increased as we found water had gotten everywhere. Day by day, layers of our house were stripped back, right down to the original lath and plaster, and eventually to the brick. It’s heart-breaking to see your home exposed and bare, down to a shell of its former self.

Thankfully, insurance is covering everything- a brand new kitchen, two new bathrooms, a new pantry, new sod, a new fridge. The total sum of this loss is enough to make you black out, so as much as I loathe paying insurance, as we all do, I am so glad we have this protection in a time like this.

We haven’t lived at our home for 2 months. We are happy, comfortable, and well taken care of, but home is home. I am anxious to get back to a routine when so much of life has already changed with my return to work.

And then I had a miscarriage.

We discovered I was pregnant in May, which was a bit of a surprise because we had just had a talk about ‘when is the right time’? I was nervous to have 2 under two, but excited by the prospect of having two little ones so close in age. A built in best friend for Fin! How great!

We had a dating ultrasound at 6 weeks and saw a heartbeat, we were thrilled! I kept saying how different this pregnancy was to my pregnancy with Fin. I wasn’t sick once, I had no symptoms and really didn’t even feel pregnant. I mentioned this to my midwife and she reassured me that every pregnancy is different, not to worry. But I couldn’t get it out of my head.

I finally pushed for another ultrasound when I was 10.5 weeks. I knew as soon as I laid on the table the news was not going to be good. My midwife confirmed the fetus had stopped growing 5 weeks prior, but my body had remained pregnant. I now had two options- wait and see when the miscarriage would occur, or take medication to induce the loss. I opted for the medication, knowing I wouldn’t be able to function with that wait.

The process was horrific. Much worse than I was told to expect. I ended up in hospital via ambulance, having fainted due to hemorrhaging. And once the physical loss was over, the reality of the emotional loss set in. I’ve been slowing down, appreciating my time with Finley, and assuring myself of the future.

This loss has affected me to very core my being, as much as becoming a mother did. I do feel I’m a mother to two, one in my arms and one in my heart. I also feel a profound sense of empathy for those who struggle with fertility, which even sounds outrageous because I have been pregnact twice without much trying at all. Having Finley makes this easier, but it doesn’t erase my longing for that baby.  

Its been 6 weeks since the last of these events occurred. And I’ve survived. I’m a changed woman- hardened in ways, softened in others. I’ll look back when I’m old on this chapter of life and know why I was presented with so many challenges at once. But for now, I know the only way for me is forward. So, here I am, knee deep in the big muddy, this big fool says to press on.