Reflections on Motherhood- One Year In
Be warned, this is a rambling post. Try as I might, I couldn't edit enough to make my thoughts coherent. But in reality, this is what daily life as a mom feels like- many, and often conflicting, emotions and thoughts all at once.
I’ve been blessed to live a life that has been full of love, adventure, opportunity and education. But this year, has been, by far, the most abundant in every aspect. While the old adage of, the days are long and the years are short, has always been a bit of an eye-roller to me, I have found myself relating to this every day at 6:15 pm. During the rush of dinner, bath, bedtime, I feel quite ready for my alone time, but then in the quiet stillness of my home after Fin is in bed for the night, I miss her with such intensity I'm almost tempted to wake her up for another cuddle.
Motherhood is a mind-boggling season of overwhelming feelings.
Until now, I didn’t know I was capable of such a range of intense emotions in such a short period of time. I didn’t know I could function (and maybe even thrive) on so little sleep and self care. I didn’t know I could be so happy with so much less everything- less money, less time, less quiet, less socializing. Its possible because she makes everything feel like more. More love, more joy, more excitement, more fullness. She is the most.
During this first year of motherhood, I've learned to say no and shift my priorities to things I truly love doing. I am more deliberate about the decisions I make in all aspects of my life. This is a surprising and new phenomenon for a person like me, who was always quick with a yes. Yes, I'll have another glass of wine. Yes, I'll host the next event. Yes, I can be there early. Now, unless the response is, Yes, I'll spend that time with Finley, I'm going to take an extra moment before I respond. This lesson was at first difficult, but it has been such a refreshing way to live my life. I almost wish I found it earlier.
Until this year, I had always appreciated the beauty of nature, but in a fairly superficial way. "Oh look, the leaves are changing, time to bring out my fall boots." This year, the outdoors are proven to be a balm for nearly every difficult situation. A failed nap? Let's go for a walk in the carrier! A grumpy afternoon? A stroller stroll to Starbucks and the park will make the afternoon breeze by. Painful teething? Let's distract with a nature walk on the Rail Trail. Getting outside for fresh air, and the ensuing narrative of things for Fin, has made me recognize the beauty of Mother Nature in a new way. And now that Finley is more observant on her own, watching her point our flowers, silently observe insects, and gingerly taste test grass, is a beautiful thing to watch.
To get selfish for a moment, I realized I didn’t appreciate my body, at all. From the borderline abusive self talk, to the cycle of indulge, deprive, repeat, I just existed. But, growing, birthing, and then sustaining a little human life for nearly 2 years...that deserves some kind of parade. or at least some positive affirmations. Now there is a whole lot more appreciation for what my body can do, but there is a whole lot of "Why the hell didn't I show it off before!" kind of feelings. Specifically, why didn't I appreciate my lovely, though small, breasts!? I wish I had before I got pregnant, I was particularly self conscious about my small breasts. Why didn't anyone remind me to spend more time admiring the girls before pregnancy and breastfeeding. Let this be a reminder to any readers who may be pregnant now, or thinking of being pregnant in the future. GO OUTSIDE AND BE TOPLESS IN THE SUNSHINE WHILE YOU STILL CAN.
My darling husband. Never before have I loved you and loathed you in such rapid intervals. Thankfully, the loathing was few and far between, but most often in the middle of the night, as you slept peacefully beside me, with your useless nipples. Then I'd somehow be jolted back to such an intense love that I'd almost want to wake up just to tell you how much I love you. Its a confusing time. Any mother who claims to not have a single thought of violence in the middle of the night, is obviously lying or a superior human being than I. But in a less hyperbolic vein, I loved watching you find your own way as a dad. Learning to get out of your way and just let you BE with her, has been at times challenging for me. I've had to learn to put aside my instinct to 'help' in favour of allowing you to develop your own response to that cry or to hiccups or to a diaper disaster. Not surprisingly, you've excelled at everything. You're my hero.
My intentions for the next chapter of life, as I prepare to return to work, are to continue to practice these habits I've cultivated over the last year. While things are going to be exponentially busier, I can't thank Finley enough for teaching me that I can slow down, be more deliberate, and appreciate the simplicity in the most ordinary things.