When I was pregnant, the prospect of being away from work for an entire year was exciting and terrifying in equal measure. I was thrilled to become a mother, but I was also worried about missing out. I couldn't go for lunch, I couldn't dress up, I would have to adjust my manicure habit, I wouldn't know the latest gossip. I laugh now to think those things were even big enough to miss. They are mere blips in my memory... Oh yeah, I used to wear heels everyday, but do I actually miss that? 

On the flip side of those 365 days, the prospect of returning to work is now both exciting and terrifying. I've spent a year, a whole year, exclusively keeping a little human alive. This is the most basic function of humanity-  motivated not by a bonus or a paycheque, but by the prospect of shaping an actual person to be a citizen of this world.  Often motherhood is so downplayed by the words, I’m JUST a mom. Um what? This is the most important work, there is no JUST about it. How can any other job be as rewarding or as important? Unless you're Amal Clooney, motherhood is going to be a slight step back in the world changing category. And now, I am not curing disease/solving global warming/liberating the oppressed in my day job either. 

As a mother off on Maternity Leave, there is a constant questioning by others, "So, do you think you'll go back to work?" While it is always asked without malice, it is a question that I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable with. As moms, we speak often about ‘going back to work’ with other moms in the same boat, so why is it any different when someone else is doing the asking? 

Shame. 

We feel that we should want to go back to work. We have plentiful university degrees and professional designations and accolades, so why 'give those up'? How can we, as well-educated career-women in 2017, justify wanting to JUST stay home? Shouldn’t we want to do it all?

In my immediate circle of moms, we are all very accomplished professionals and yet, during our most recent discussion about returning to work, I was surprised by how many of us were in favour of leaving the workforce, even if only temporarily. While everyone felt hesitation about being set back in their career, the discussion focused on how much their family would be gaining. One friend in particular referred to just how easy life is now that she is home during this year. No one is scrambling for dinner or lunch, there is always toilet paper in the cupboard, dry cleaning is picked up, family members large, small, and furry are more at ease, and everything is just better. But is this enough? Another friend wisely says, she likes their life when she brings in her own paycheque, which is a fair and practical assessment as well. But, then, what about your pocket money? Do you get a mom allowance from your husband? 

We’ve been discussing for 11 months now, and no one has a firm answer. Except that it is an outrageously difficult choice that keeps us up, well after baby has started sleeping through the night.